THE BEARS AND I 10/2/08
Black bears typically have two cubs, rarely one or three. In 2007 in northern New Hampshire, a black bear sow gave birth to five healthy young. There were two or three reports of sows with as many as four cubs, but five was, and is, extraordinary. I learned of them shortly after they emerged from their den and set myself a goal of photographing all five cubs with their mom, no matter how much time and effort was involved.
I knew the trail they followed on a fairly regular basis, usually shortly before dark. After spending nearly four hours a day, seven days a week, for six weeks, I had that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and photographed them in the shadows and dull lighting of the evening. Due to these conditions, I had to use the equivalent of a very fast film speed on my digital camera. The print is properly focused and well exposed with all six bears posing as if they were in a studio for a family portrait.
I stayed in touch with other people who saw the bears during the summer and into the fall hunting season 2007. All six bears continued to thrive. As time for hibernation approached, I found still more folks who had seen them and everything remained OK. I stayed away from the bears as I was concerned that they might become habituated to me, or to people in general, as approachable friends. This could be dangerous for both man and animal. After Halloween, I received no further reports and could only hope the bears survived until they hibernated.
In the spring of 2008, before the snow disappeared, all six bears came out of their den and wandered the same familiar territory they trekked in the spring of 2007. I saw them before mid-April and dreamed nightly of taking another family portrait, an improbably second once-in-a-lifetime photograph. On April 25, 2008, I achieved my dream.
Baker Library June 28,2005
My First try using a digital camera
PENN'S PEN ITEMS. 12/01/08 Click here for more updates
Latest entrees are just below Pictures from Hubble telescope
Closeness and companionship
A dog's prayer: Thank you for sending me to Timmy's House and not Micheal Vick's.
Astronomers Select Top Ten Most Amazing Pictures Taken by Hubble Space Telescope in Last 16 Years
'...they illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful.' Michael Hanlon/AH (Nov 25th, 2006) After correcting an initial problem with the lens, when the Hubble Space Telescope was first launched in 1990, the floating astro-observatory began to relay back to Earth, incredible snapshots of the 'final frontier' it was perusing. Recently, astronauts voted on the top photographs taken by Hubble, in its 16-year journey so far. Remarking in the article from the Daily Mail, reporter Michael Hanlon says the photos 'illustrate that our universe is not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful.'
I'll say. And mind-boggling. Sort of puts things into perspective, too, don't you think? Enjoy! Hubble telescope's top ten greatest space photographs
The Sombrero Galaxy - 28 million light years from Earth - was voted best picture taken by the Hubble telescope. The dimensions of the galaxy, officially called M104, are as spectacular as its appearance. It has 800 billion suns and is 50,000 light years across.
The Ant Nebula, a cloud of dust and gas whose technical name is Mz3, resembles an ant when observed using ground-based telescopes. The nebula lies within our galaxy between 3,000 and 6,000 light years from Earth.
In third place is Nebula NGC 2392, called Eskimo because it looks like a face surrounded by a furry hood. The hood is, in fact, a ring of comet-shaped objects flying away from a dying star. Eskimo is 5,000 light years from Earth.
At four is the Cat's Eye Nebula
The Hourglass Nebula, 8,000 light years away, has a pinched-in-the-middle look because the winds that shape it are weaker at the centre.
In sixth place is the Cone Nebula. The part pictured here is 2.5 light years in length (the equivalent of 23 million return trips to the Moon).
The Perfect Storm, a small region in the Swan Nebula, 5,500 light years away, described as 'a bubbly ocean of hydrogen and small amounts of oxygen, sulphur and other elements'.
Starry Night, so named because it reminded astronomers of the Van Gogh painting. It is a halo of light around a star in the Milky Way.
he glowering eyes from 114 million light years away are the swirling cores of two merging galaxies called NGC 2207 and IC 2163 in the distant Canis Major constellation.
The Trifid Nebula. A 'stellar nursery', 9,000 light years from here, it is where new stars are being born
12/29/08KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old
Reese :
'Our Father,
Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard
praying:
'Lord, if you
can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good
time like I am. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After
the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home
in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was
wrong.
Finally, the
boy replied, 'that preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One
particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us
our trash baskets
as we forgive
those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church
service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright
little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began
to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would
say,
'Let my brother
have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and
said,
'Ryan , you be
Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up
to him,
grabbed his
hand, and led him to the shore
where a sea
gull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what
happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad
replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back
down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife
invited some people to dinner.
At the table,
she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the
blessing?'
'I wouldn't
know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the
wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FENDER SKIRTS'.
I came across this phrase yesterday 'FENDER SKIRTS.'
A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers'
And 'steering knobs.' (AKA) suicide knob.
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.
Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember 'Continental kits?'
They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?'
At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the 'running board' up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - 'store-bought.' Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term 'world wide' for granted. This flo ors me.
On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwoodfloors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase 'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant' was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company, so we had all that talk about stork visits and 'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting.'
Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just 'bra' now. 'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved! going to the 'picture show,' but I considered 'movie' an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.' That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? 'Coffee maker.' How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like 'DynaFlow' and 'Electrolux.' ;Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'SpectraVision!'
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most, 'supper.' Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a 'certain age' would remember most of these.
Just for fun, pass it along to others of 'a certain age'!
12/8/08
- God's Wife
-
-
MAYBE WE CAN LEARN SOMETHING FROM
CHILDREN.....ENJOY........
-
-
- God's Wife
-
- Author and lecturer Leo
Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the
contest was to find the most caring child.
-
- The winner was:
-
- A four-year-old child, whose
next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
-
- When his mother asked him
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped
him cry.'
- *********************************************
- Teacher Debbie Moon's first
graders were discussing a picture of a family where one little boy in
the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
-
- A little girl said, 'I know
all about adoption, I was adopted.'
-
- 'What does it mean to be
adopted?' asked another child.
-
- 'It means', said the girl,
'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
- *********************************************
- On my way home one day, I
stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park
near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one
of the boys what the score was.
-
- 'We're behind 14 to
nothing,' he answered with a smile.
-
- 'Really,' I said. 'I have to
say you don't look very discouraged.'
-
- 'Discouraged?' the boy asked
with a puzzled look on his face...'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been
up to bat yet.'
- *********************************************
- Whenever I'm disappointed
with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
-
- Jamie was trying out for a
part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in
it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
-
- On the day the parts were
awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement. 'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then
said those words that will remain a lesson to me.....'I've been chosen to clap
and cheer!'
-
- *********************************************
- An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in
December, some years ago:
- A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering from the
cold.
-
- A lady approached the young
boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
-
- 'I was asking God to give me
a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply.
-
- The lady took him by the
hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of
socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a
towel. He quickly brought them to her.
-
- She took the little fellow
to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his
little feet, and dried them with the towel.
-
- By this time, the clerk had
returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
-
- She tied up the remaining
pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
-
- As she turned to go, the
astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her,
-
- 'Are you God's
wife?'
-
- *********************************************
- SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND
CARE FOR CHILDREN.
-
- Hope this put a smile on
your face. It sure did mine.
-
-
-
-
- 12/1/08 Universal Health Care
11/27/08Universal health care in the U.S. is a lofty goal that's going to be hard to achieve. But while the political, medical, and insurance establishments haggle over details, we can have a little fun with the idea.
Doctors' Opinions of Universal Health Care: When a panel of doctors was asked their opinion on the proposed Universal Health Care program, here's what they had to say:
The allergists voted to scratch it, and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The surgeons decided the plan just didn't cut it.
The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, and the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
Finally, the proctologists calmed everyone down, promising it would all turn out fine in the end.
Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two
days
before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to
tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery
is
enough. 'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. We can't
stand
the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of
each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister
in
Denver and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes
on
the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll
take
care of this,' She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at
her
father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I
get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until
then, don't do anything, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man
hangs up
his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming
for
Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like prett y leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes .
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'.
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'
11/5/08
POLITICS FOR DUMMIES
> DEMOCRAT
>
> You
have two cows.
> Your neighbor has none.
> You feel guilty for being
successful.
> You push for higher taxes so the government can
>
provide cows for everyone.
>
> REPUBLICAN
> You have two
cows.
> Your neighbor has none.
> So?
>
>
SOCIALIST
> You have two cows.
> The government takes one and gives
it to your
> neighbor.
> You form a cooperative to tell him how to
manage his
> cow.
>
> COMMUNIST
> You have two
cows.
> The government seizes both and provides you with
>
milk.
> You wait in line for hours to get it.
> It is expensive and
sour.
>
> CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
> You have two
cows.
> You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
>
> BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
> You have two cows.
> Under
the new farm program the government pays you
> to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk
> down the drain.
>
> AMERICAN
CORPORATION
> You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
>
IPO on the 2nd one.
> You force the two cows to produce the milk of
four
> cows.
> You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
>
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
> have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
> Your stock goes up.
>
> FRENCH
CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike because you want
three cows.
> You go to lunch and drink wine.
> Life is
good.
>
> JAPANESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
>
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
> an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
> They learn to travel on unbelievably
crowded trains.
> Most are at the top of their class at cow
school.
>
> GERMAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
>
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
> of beer, give
excellent quality milk,
> and run a hundred miles an hour.
>
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation
> per year.
>
> ITALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows,
> but you don't
know where they
> are. You break for lunch. Life is good.
>
>
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You have some
vodka.
> You count them and learn you have five cows.
> You have
some more vodka.
> You count them again and learn you have 42
cows.
> The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows
> you
really have.
>
> TALIBAN CORPORATION
> You have all the cows
in Afghanistan, which are two.
> You don't milk them because you cannot
touch any
> creature's private parts.
> You get a $40 million grant
from the US government
> to find alternatives to milk production but use
the money
> to buy weapons.
>
> IRAQI CORPORATION
> You
have two cows.
> They go into hiding.
> They send radio tapes of
their mooing.
>
> POLISH CORPORATION
> You have two
bulls.
> Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting
> to
milk them.
>
> BELGIAN CORPORATION
> You have one
cow.
> The cow is schizophrenic.
> Sometimes the cow thinks he's
French, other times
> he's Flemish.
> The Flemish cow won't share
with the French cow.
> The French cow wants control of the Flemish
cow's
> milk The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
> The cow
dies happy.
>
> FLORIDA CORPORATION
> You have a black cow
and a brown cow.
> Everyone votes for the best-looking one.
> Some
of the people who actually like the brown one
> best accidentally vote for
the black one.
> Some people vote for both.
> Some people vote for
neither.
> Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
>
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
> which one you think
is the best-looking cow.
>
> CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
> You
have millions of cows.
> They make real California cheese.
> Only
five speak English.
> Most are illegal.
> Arnold likes the ones with
the big udders.
11/2/08-Church
Bulletins
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God
for church
Ladies with typewriters.
These sentences ( with all the
BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church
Bulletins or were announced in church
services:
--------------------------
The
Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
meals.
-------------------------
The sermon this
morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
Tonight: 'Searching for
Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage
sale. It's a chance to get rid of
Those things not worth keeping around the
house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer
the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
Someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
About
you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the
Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang
'I will not pass this way again,' giving
Obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have
children and don't know it, we have a
nursery
Downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will
be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
Help they can
get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were
married on October 24 in the
Church. So ends a friendship that began in their
school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on
Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
Will
follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the
sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently
needed due to the addition of
Several new members and to the deterioration of
some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum
cans, bottles and other items to be
Recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your
donation in the envelope along with the deceased
Person you want
remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of
fine dining, super entertainment and
Gracious
hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies
of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
Be seen in the
basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7
PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
From the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible
Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
Are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is
done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the
ladies of the Congregation would
Lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self
Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
The back
door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation
is invited to attend
This tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight
Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The
Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I
Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the cellar. I went
through each wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive
9/30/08
For all of us who feel only the
deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read
on.
At a recent computer
expo (COMDEX), Bill
Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors
issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed tech nology like
Microsoft, we
would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love
this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would
crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the
lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your
car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side
of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen
the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, i n which case you would have
to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would
make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and
twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the
roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation'
warning light.
I love the next
one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every
time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the
old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine
off.
9/28/08
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it
would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50
left of the original
$1000.
With WorldCom, you
would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of
Delta Air Lines stock you
would have $49.00
left.
If you had purchased United Airlines or Lehman
Brothers,
you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year
ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum
recycling refund you would have $214.00.
Based on
the above, the best current investment advice is
to drink heavily
and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan
| Sick
Leave I urgently needed a few days off work, But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he Would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' And give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office And asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, The Boss asked her ...And where do you think you're going?' (You're gonna love this.....) She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark! |
9/18/08
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinderand got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes in-verse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
correct" for some...but take it all in good humor!
The Power of
Communication
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews in
Italy had to
convert to Catholicism or leave. There was a huge outcry from
the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a debate with a
religious
leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay
in Italy; if
the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish
people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in
the
debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen
day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand
and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
N ext, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the
ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice
of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up
and declared himself beaten and said that the
rabbi was too clever. The Jews
could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him
what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up a single finger to remind
me there is still only one God
common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I
waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around
us. He
responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here
with us.
"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us
of all our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original
sin.
"He bested m e at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I
haven't a clue" the rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days
to
get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.
"Then he told me that the
whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told
him that we were staying
right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the
Rabbi..."He took out his
lunch so I took out mine".
I think that is the best joke of the decade.
Judge Judy to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'